'Twas the night
before Christmas
I've found many
canine versions of this Holiday classic – here one of the variants.
*****
It was
about time for Christmas, and all through the house
A creature
was stirring, but it wasn't a mouse.
I knew
right away it was my wife's little pup,
She thought
we were sleeping, and so she was up.
The dog was
a gift it was coercion, really,
A woman can
pout, 'til a man gets downright silly.
And now the
wife was snoozing she was really sacked out
She
wouldn't have awoke from less than a shout.
Yes, her in
her nightgown, I in my BVDs,
We had
finally settled down to catch some Zs.
When off in
the kitchen there arose such a clatter,
Away down
the hall, my head in a muddle,
I reached
the kitchen ... and stepped in a puddle.
The glow
from a nightlight illuminated the room,
So how come
I stumbled over the broom?
I fell in a
sprawl, my legs were not stable.
On the way
down, my nose hit the table.
My head was
a spinnin' and when I came to rest
Four miniature
dog feet stood on my chest.
With a lick
and a bark, she bounded away,
Into the
living room, she ran to play.
More rapid
than mouses, that rat terrier ran,
Me on the
follow, rolled newspaper in hand.
"Stop,
Skeeter! Stop, Dog! Stop, Pup!
Halt,
Pooch! Halt, Girl! Oh, come'ere, you mutt!
"Get
off the new couch! Now let go of that curtain!
Ohhh ... If I
ever catch you, you're gonna' be hurtin'."
As winds of
a Texas
She spun
round the room, down low and up high.
Then up on the
countertop, that puppy went
She stopped
for a second. I thought she was spent.
I make a
quick lunge, she ducked me and then
Yawned when
I dove through the flour bin.
As I drew
out my head and was turning around,
She made
for the presents, in a single bound.
I was
covered with flour, from my head to my toes,
My robe in
tatters, and blood on my nose.
A bag full
of toys, she grabbed with glee
I nabbed
her, I thought, but instead got the tree.
The
ornaments, they broke, as they began to fall
The lights,
how they fizzled, and that is not all.
When I
reached for the plug, to turn the bulbs out,
What flowed
through my body, but electricity, so stout!
As smoke
encircled my head like a wreath,
That dog
held my big toe, tight in her teeth.
"Skeeter,"
I moaned, "I give up. Oh, Skeet, I give in."
So she bit
my swollen nose, and nipped at my chin.
She spoke
not a word, but went back to work,
Down came the
stockings it took just a jerk.
Then up
from the hall, came the sound of feet,
Momma, it seemed
was awake from her sleep.
"Now
you'll get it pup," I announced with glee.
Then
Skeeter walked over and put her little head on my knee.
She looked
up at my wife - so innocent - and at me, so, so sad.
And it
didn't take long, to know I'd been had.
Then came
the wife's voice, so strong and so clear,
"Bill,
you leave that puppy alone! You hear!"
And I
exclaimed to myself, as they walked out with a strut,
"Don't
leave any gifts, Santa just PICK UP THE MUTT!"
(Bill
McClellan)
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