Those damned Giant Schnauzers

Got up this morning there rose such a clatter.

Seems all the Giants bark loud, "what's the matter?"

I stumble and grumble in a daze down the hall

It's 4 in the morning ... I bounce of the wall

 

I'm sleepy and tired but I must move quick

the neighbors know damn well this noise ain't St. Nick

So out through the back door the cold airs a blast

my arms sprouting goosebumps, my hands, feet, and ass!

 

When to my suprise the barking does cease

I notice some red pants, they're not in one piece

A black boot lay mangled, the thought does occur

Is that an old dog toy? Or some kind of fur?

 

The chill of the night, the glint in the snow

I swear I hear sleigh bells, but don't really know

My wife sleeps through all this, it did not arouse her

Then someone starts yelling, "those damn Giant Schnauzers!"

 

I look to the sky, and what do I see

An angry old fat man he's pointing at me

The scene look so strange, what's with this old coot?

He’s up on my roof with no pants and one boot

 

Do my eyes deceive me? Could this really be?

Is Santa Claus angry? He's yelling at me?

I brought you some presents he starts to explain

but those crazy guard dogs they must be insane

 

I talk to ALL animals but these, they don't care

I slid down the chimney, I tried to be fair

The black ones, they warned me, they barked, meaning halt

But what the hell’s wrong with those Pepper and Salts?

 

They didn't say one thing and they didn't wait

I popped out the chimney and fell for the bait

Then Santa stared at me, his face got all red

He pointed at Rico and here's what he said

 

It's that one, that bastard, I saw him last year

I should have remembered he counted reindeer

My sleigh is too large, your roof was too steep

I parked in your backyard, I thought he was sleep

 

I should have just skipped you, I think I'm too nice

The black ones, they chased me, and not once but twice

That big one, yeah Quintus, he chewed my back cushion

The Black Russian bit me, I know his name, Pushkin

 

That silly one there, he acts like a wolf

He pulled off my pants, yeah that one there, Ulf

The Doberman, Hercules and Sirius as well

They snatched off my right boot and chewed it to hell

 

I'm not coming back, let’s make this quite clear

What’s pissin' me off is I said that last year

These Giants, they're crazy where ever I go

They act like there sleeping, I don't really know

 

But this I can tell you and matter of fact

Those crazy ass Giants don't know how to act

I get here, I park it, so how in the heaven

Do eight tiny reindeer become only seven?

 

I've traveled the world, and delivered my wares

But when I see Giants, their acting like bears

My elves won't go near them, Miss Claus she gets pissed

And no "normal" person puts one on their list

 

With a snap of his finger the sleigh starts to rise

He turns and looks at me with fire in his eyes

Oh don't think it’s over, he raises his fist

This whole things recorded, tell the Cybergiant list

 

You Giant folks listen, he told me to write

He said tell them all that the next Christmas night

Prepare for the onslaught, and do heed his call

There will be some puppies for each one and all!

 

(Tim Nyx)