Dogs vs men/women

1. How dogs and men are the same 

• Both take up too much space on the bed. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
• Both are threatened by their own kind.
• Both mark their territory.
• Both are bad at asking you questions.
• Neither tells you what's bothering them.
• The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
• Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
• Neither does any dishes.
• Both fart shamelessly.
• Neither of them notices when you get your hair cut. Both like dominance games.
• Both are suspicious of the postman.
• Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
• Neither understands what you see in cats. 

2. How dogs are better than men

 

• Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
• Dogs miss you when you're gone.
• Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
• Dogs don't criticize your friends.
• Dogs admit when they're jealous.
• Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
• Dogs don't laugh at how you throw.
• Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
• You can train a dog.
• Dogs are easy to buy for.
• You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
• The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK. The really worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)
• Dogs understand what no means.
• Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
• Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
• Dogs admit it when they're lost.
• Dogs are colorblind.
• Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
• Dogs mean it when they kiss you. 

3. How men are better than dogs

•  Men only have two feet that track in mud.
• Men can buy you presents.
• Men don't have to play with every man they see when you take them around the block.
• Men are a little bit more subtle.
• Men don't eat turds on the sly.
• Dogs have dog breath all the time.
• Men can do math. But then, who really needs a man to do math?
• Men don't shed as much, and if they do, they hide it.
• It's fun to dry off a wet man. 

And the reverse

 

4. Why dogs are better than women

 

• Dogs don't ask what are you thinking.
• Dogs don't cry.
• Dogs love it when your friends come over.
• Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
• Dogs think you sing great.
• A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
• Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late. The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
• Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
• Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
• Dogs are excited by rough play.
• Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
• Dogs love red meat.
• Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair. Anyone can get a good-looking dog.
• If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
• Dogs don't shop.
• Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
• A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
• Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
• A dog's parents never visit.
• Dogs love long car trips.
• Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
• Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted. 

5. How dogs and women are alike 

• Both usually look stupid in hats.
• Both tend to have problems with their hips.
• Both look good in fur.
• Neither realizes that silence is golden.
• Both constantly want back rubs.
• You can never tell what either of them is thinking.
• They both overvalue kissing. 

6. How women are better than dogs 

• It is socially acceptable to have sexual relations with a woman.

(Author unknown)