Those damned Giant Schnauzers: The sequel

On this Christmas Day won't you lend me an ear

I'll tell you a story about holiday cheer

The idea of Christmas is giving and sharing,

With family and friends and of course time for caring.

 

We'll start around midnight, it's now Christmas day

With most of us dreaming and sleeping away

There's one fellow working, delivering joy

His parcels are great for a young girl or boy

 

It's One and he is finished so what does he do?

He thinks up a scheme so he stays out past Two,

My wife thinks I'm working, he says to himself

I'll have just one swig from this jug of "Red Elf"

 

It's three and he's tipsy, this bringer of cheer,

It's what you expect after four jugs of beer

Now Rudolph is thinking, "Just where are we going"

This jolly guys drunk, and the brew just keeps flowing

 

Now Santa starts thinking, although not quite clear,

I made a mistake and it's been two whole years

I think I'll go back and I'll visit them now

I think they deserve it, I just don't know how

 

I'll park on the next block my sleigh won't be seen

I'll sneak in the back way I know their not mean

The last time they nabbed me 'cause I wasn't slick

But this time I'll show them why I'm called St. Nick

 

The plan was so simple he knew it would work

The drink had him woozy he stumbled and smirked

They're sleep and I know it he thought this was true

But Santa, poor fellow, had forgot what we knew

 

That Giants are crazy, they're handsome and tall

The schnauzer of schnauzers, the biggest of all

There are nine in the house, and a snookered Kris Kringle

Well, you do the math ... let's just see how they mingle

 

He slipped down the chimney he dropped off the pup

Then back to the same route to shimmy back up

To no ones surprise, he spotted the grin

Of Versace's white teeth and his bearded black chin

 

He turned to the back door, and fell for the bait

If I slip through that door then I'm out through the gate

He stumbled and mumbled oh boy, that's my fault

Oh no, not again ... not those Pepper and Salts!

 

His eyes opened wide, as Rico came near

And soon came to realized the worst of his fears

The sound of cloth ripping, from someplace so dear

And the warmth of the dog breath that steamed up his rear ...

 

... Well, off go his pants, so what happens now?

He bolts for the back door, he makes it somehow

He swings the door open, turns back and he shouts

"You won't get me this year", he thought he was out

 

His feet grabbed beneath him, he's down in the snow,

It's Pushkin and Sirius, their ready to go

It's one boot then two, no socks for this cad

Now bare assed and bootless St. Nick is quite mad

 

He stands to face Ava, quite cold in his glory

His coat, from behind, snagged by Gus and friend Lori

Somehow, with all this from my slumber I wake

What the hell's going on? How much noise can they make?

 

The barking, the growling, the hell is the matter?

A butt naked fat man? Is he the mad hatter?

Oh no it just can't be, I thought he was through

Where the hell is his clothes, what the heck did he do

 

Now you won't believe what ol' Claus said to me

He was drunk as a skunk this was easy to see

He tipped off his hat said "it's only me Dude

I told you I'd come back, I promise, you're screwed"

 

I'm not screwed I shouted, I expected the pup

I suggested he run before Hercules woke up

I stood there and pondered, while petting my cat

Then I said "What the hell, Ulf ... go fetch me his hat!

 

The look on his face at the schnauzers approach

Then jingle and jangle Claus jumps in his coach

With one schnauzer "death shake" the hat is destroyed

Way up in the air Santa's reindeer deployed

 

One challenge with schnauzers said Santa while sneezing

Is how to give presents with no asses freezing

Two lessons I've learned from two years of attacks

Is to watch Giants Schnauzers, keep spare suits in back

 

I'm not really pissed, he begins to explain

It's one night for me, a whole year is insane

He starts to fly off, the suit he puts on

The old one is tattered and mangled, it's gone

 

You won't be so happy, he laughs while he reasons

You'll deal with those dogs while that bitch has two seasons

They won't listen to you, they'll all act like jerks

And when they piss you off, you'll see how it works

 

And that's just for starters, you're going to say ouch

When you see what pup does to you and your couch

So while your tormented by what puppy's done

I'll just bring another near 2001!

 

(Tim Nyx)