First time at a dog show

First time at a dog show, I'll tell you quite plain

I'll never, no never, go near one again.

The Breeder said "Show him" when I bought my dog,

I showed him alright, the whole place was agog.

 

They gave me a number, they gave me a pin

But I couldn't bear to stick the thing in,

So I rushed to the shop and bought some clear glue

Then I stuck the card onto his back in the loo.

 

We arrived at the ringside to find we were first

In the Puppy Class (this part is the worst).

We marched in together as fast as we were able

Arrived at the judge who said "Up on the table".

 

This really surprised me, my skirt was quite tight,

And I just couldn't make it, try hard as I might.

The Judge looked quite worried, he said "Listen here,

Put your dog on the table, not you, my dear".

 

By now I was trembling, I felt such a fool

But I said to myself ... "Play it cool, play it cool".

"How old?" said the Judge, I heard it quite clear

Well really, I thought, and said "Thirty next year".

 

The Steward, poor fellow, threw a kind of fit.

He spluttered, he coughed, and his eyes ran a bit.

"I'd have that cough seen to" I said to him when

He'd finally stopped ... then he started again.

 

"Once round the ring, dear, as fast as you can"

Said the Judge, so I did, I just ran and ran,

But when I arrived (out of breath, I'll admit)

The Judge said "Your dog, dear" I felt like a twit.

 

Off round once again, I kept my head bent.

Oh the shame, my pup crouched, he just went and went.

A lady came running with bucket and spade

With manure so spicy, has she got it made.

 

We came back to the Judge who said with a frown

"Stand your dog". I said "Please Sir, he's not lying down".

"You can take First Place stand" he said. I said "Ta".

What a job I had getting that stand into the car!

 

(Author unknown)