Dear Dogs and Cats:
The dishes with the paw
print are yours and contain your food.
The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the
middle of my plate and food does not stake claim for it becoming your food and
dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairwell was not
designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the
object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything
bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will
continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can
actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep
perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I
also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the
other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there
is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and
manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to
turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I
must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom
for years-canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
As to this kissing
thing, the proper order is to kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's
butt. I cannot stress this enough.
To pacify you, my dear
pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
Rules for non-pet owners
who visit and like to complain about our pets:
- They live here ... You don't.
- If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture (that's why they call it "fur"niture).
- I like my pets a lot better than most people.
- To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours, and doesn't speak clearly.
- Dogs and cats are better than kids ... they eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college.
- If they do get pregnant, you can sell the children.
Sincerely,
you Master
(Author unknown)
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